How do you deal with feeling angry after a breakup?
Let’s be honest we all have a moment or two when we feel like balling up our fists, letting loose and throwing blows…but queen, don’t let yourself get to that point!
It’s not worth it.
No matter how many songs you listen to or movies you watch that tell you to slash his tires, throw out his clothes and burn down his house, it’s not the best way to help you move beyond your breakup.
You know what sends a powerful message?
Do you know how much it bugs your ex to hear absolutely nothing from you? Do you know the way it makes him wonder if he really mattered to you at all?
You may be so angry you feel like you’re going to explode.
You may have every reason to be mad or no reason at all.
Don’t worry, I get it sister-girl. I’ve been there before, and it’s not just the women who have been scorned who are angry after a relationship ends. It’s those who were dating a great guy and things didn’t work out because the timing was off or they had differences they couldn’t get past. And in their heads and in their hearts, they thought for sure he was the one.
What do you do with your anger in those situations? When the guy was great but the timing was off, you can’t exactly go and burn all his clothes and slash his tires while your girlfriends egg you on. This isn’t a music video, and you’re not Destiny’s Child.
So what do you do when you get that angry feeling inside after your breakup?
Ok…let me guess. I bet you’re saying right now, Rai, if you just knew what my EX did to me, you would be angry at him too.
And you’re right. Your ex may have crossed you. You may be justified in walking around with a big ol’ chip on your shoulder, but I want to ask you:
Is it serving you well?
Is it giving you the outcome you want? Is it giving you the life you want? Is it helping you become the person you want to be?
So, let’s talk about what can you do instead when you feel like you’re going to explode as the emotions rise up like hot, bubbling lava?
It’s okay to feel angry after a breakup
It’s okay to scream and to cry and to feel all of that emotion bubbling over, however, it’s not okay to stay there.
We’ve all met people who can’t quite seem to get past those angry feelings. They spend a lifetime holding on to what happened in the past and it shows up in every interaction they have with anyone from their siblings to their friends to the mailman.
Elizabeth Kenny is famous for the saying, “He who angers you conquers you.”
Anger is natural and it’s part of the process of dealing with loss. Psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross has identified five stages of grief and loss, which are:
- Denial and isolation
“People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.
The stages of grief and mourning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life, across many cultures. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness, the loss of a close relationship, or to the death of a valued being, human, or animal.”
So if anger is natural and normal, how can we deal with it?
How can you deal with feeling angry after a breakup?
Here are the ways I deal with feeling mad, especially after a relationship ends.
Work it out
I want you to sweat. If you’re running, let your fit hit the pavement and get some of the anger out of your system. If you’re planning to go to a workout class at the gym, one of the best classes you can opt for is kick boxing. There’s something therapeutic about kicking and hitting a bag and really getting all of your frustration out. If you’d like something easy to start with at home, click here to join me for a 10 minute workout that can help you ease back into exercising
Talk to a counselor
I am one of the biggest advocates for counseling as you can see in my article, The 9 Benefits of Counseling after a Breakup. After my major breakups, I’ve gone to counseling and it’s been amazing for helping me sort through my thoughts, understand my needs and allow my heart to heal. While you can talk to a friend, it’s always helpful to talk to someone who’s neutral and can give you unbiased advice.
Understand why you’re angry
This may sound totally obvious, but sometimes we’re mad for a different reason than we think. Really dig down deep or ask a friend to do it with you to see why you’re really mad. See if you can pinpoint a time in your relationship that made you especially upset. Ask yourself why. Ask yourself why you felt disappointed. If you can identify what’s really bothering you perhaps you can address it. And your mind will feel like it can begin to let some of the anger go because you’re beginning to get to the root of the problem.
Write a letter to the person you’re angry at and burn it or tear it up and throw it away
To follow the previous tip, try writing a letter to the person you’re mad at. Let all your emotions out. Be specific about the instances that happened and detail it out….and then, burn it…….There’s no use in giving it to him, but it will be cathartic for you to let it all out.
Find a community you can go deep with and invest yourself into it
Join a church. Volunteer. Find a group you can invest yourself in and go deep with them. Build some new relationships. Bring your focus to something other than yourself and you’ll find a new meaning and purpose in your life. This will give you a new perspective on life and help you channel your energy and focus onto other things.
Get a hobby
What are you passionate about? What gives you some joy and fulfilment outside of normal life? How can you explore that?
Contemplate the possibilities in the future
Think about your future. Allow your mind to wander and give yourself permission to dream. If you do that, what do you come up with? Sometimes our anger at our EX comes because we are so fixated on a future together that we can’t imagine one apart, but if you start to dream, you may realize your future is bright without your EX.
Practice being still and being silent
In a way, this piece of advice is opposite of going hard in the gym. It’s all about practicing being still. Take time to just get quiet. Let your mind settle down and gain control of your emotions instead of letting your emotions control you.
Give yourself space for creative outlet
Have you tried painting or writing or music or dance. Try using a creative outlet to allow you to express your emotion. Sometimes you can’t put your anger into words, but you’ll find that you’re able to express it and release it through other outlets. Some of the world’s best music, paintings and books have probably come out of the person’s ball of pent up stress and anger.
What are you planning to try to deal with your anger after you breakup? If you’d like to become more empowered instead of feeling reactive to what your EX is doing, I’d love to show you 4 ways I empowered myself after my breakups.